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My brain is yelling at me right now… it’s yelling out an endless to-do list… need to do this by that date, don’t forget to do this, write this down write this down write this down… it’s the end of the day, well, didn’t do it. Maybe tomorrow?

Sigh.

Well, didn’t expect my week to start out with several lidocaine injections and a word catheter insertion. Won’t go into too much detail, let’s just say it’s a “woman issue“. Does Tylenol 3 (tylenol with codeine) actually work to relieve pain for anyone? Everytime I’ve been prescribed this stuff it’s just feels like I’m taking sugar pills. I thought I had a high pain tolerance as I have several tattoos and piercings but this is the most pain I’ve felt in a long, long time. And the cherry on top – I’ve been researching and apparently this thing I’m dealing with can recur, even after surgery.

I’ll take this one day at a time.

I finally made an appointment to see my psychiatrist next week.

I’m in so much pain right now I can’t even concentrate on writing.

Here it goes

It’s okay if no one reads this. Maybe in the future someone will somehow come across this and it might help, might not. Might be a boring read, might be slightly interesting for a few minutes. I’m stuck at work right now, so I figured now would be a good time to finally set this up. A little about me – I’m twenty-six, I’m the typical corporate slave while also trying to finish up an Associate’s Degree. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I am the “outcast” of my immediate family, the underachiever, at least compared to my younger siblings, one of them already in her senior year at university for a math degree (I had to take remedial twice before finally passing so I could take an actual credited math class this semester, yay me). The other one graduated high school in the top 10%, is currently on the dean’s list as a freshman or sophomore at the same university, and has more of a social life than I do. After high school I attempted to do the whole “do 2 years of community college and then transfer to whatever university” but I ended up taking several breaks between semesters, working full time jobs instead. But now, I’m like 3 years away from 30… I should try to finish something at least, right? So I chose Paralegal.

I guess I’m going to post my word vomit online because it helps keeps me busy, and that way I don’t burden family and friends with my rant sessions. I was diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar 2 back in 2015. And it was a huge relief — throughout high school and the beginning of college my parents would always say things like, “All of you are so bright, you just have to work harder…” Basically, I was lazy. I wanted to learn, I wanted to do well, but I couldn’t ever focus on the lectures, reading a page in a textbook was torture to my brain, I always felt out of focus, just completely off. I always wondered how other people made it look so easy, especially with tons of extracurricular activities. I just always wanted to go home and sleep.

The Bipolar thing… well, I kinda knew I was depressed already, but it was only until I saw a third psychiatrist who actually listened to what I was saying and didn’t make me feel like a lesser person, that the diagnosis made sense to me. I’m still dealing with figuring out how to manage moods, triggers, blah blah blah. I’ve tried so many different medications. Actually I feel like absolute crap right now because I just stopped taking Depakote, kinda cold turkey kiiiinda tapering by accident because if I gained another pound I was going to have a massive freak out.

So now I’m just on Prozac and Vyvanse, which I am just now discovering (thanks internet) is not a smart combo. No wonder I’ve been feeling like a trembling, hyperactive derp. Guess I’ll have to schedule another appointment with the doc… whenever I get around to that.

Also, blog title is somewhat random but also not? I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea, so I also get to deal with that fun stuff.

I don’t really know what I’ll end up writing about on here. Word vomit, for sure.